On a scale of one to ten, how much peace do you have? My answer varies day to day. When my kids aren’t irritable, the checkbook and the budget are balanced, I’m caught up on housework and I’m not under a work deadline, my peace rating is high (even though the odds of all four things happening simultaneously are quite low).

What does the phrase “absolute peace” do to you? Absolute seems too lofty to me. It’s as unrealistic as expecting Ed McMahon to show up at my door tomorrow and tell me I’m now a millionaire. But just this morning I found this term in the Bible accompanied by another hard-to-attain concept. A quick glance at the following verses reveals this peace companion: Romans 1:7, I Corinthians 1:3, 2 Corinthians 1:2, Ephesians 1:2, Philippians 1:2, Colossians 1:2, I Thessalonians 1:1, 2 Thessalonians 1:2, I Timothy 1:2, Titus 1:4, Philemon 1:3, 2 John 1:3, Revelation 1:5, and in case the connection isn’t obvious enough yet,

Grace and peace be yours in abundance.” 1 Peter 1:2

Grace is linked to peace. I long for peace, yet all too often I withhold grace. I want others to bestow it on me, but administering it is quite a different story. But Matthew 6:14 cuts to my heart:

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Agh! It’s a condition. If I forgive others, then my heavenly Father will forgive me. I want peace. I need God’s forgiveness. How then do we forgive the unforgiveable? What do we tell the woman who stood by her husband’s side through good times and bad, only to discover his unfaithfulness? And what of the young girl who had her innocence stripped by a trusted friend or family member? I’m ill-equipped to provide a sufficient answer, but what I do know, both personally and from others, is that ultimately we can’t afford not to forgive. Holding onto a grudge isn’t worth the lack of peace it will cause us. Nor is the realization that God will withhold his forgiveness from us if we don’t.

I don’t want to leave you without some practical ways in which to forgive, yet the subject is so vast that it’s impossible to condense it into one page. Here’s just one technique I learned that helps me. If you’re struggling with the massive task of trying to forgive someone, let me offer a starting place. Les Greenberg, a noted researcher of psychotherapy at York University, recommends the empty chair technique.1 Place an empty chair in a room and envision the person you are trying to forgive sitting it in. “Tell” them everything that is bothering you. Ask why they took the actions they did. Do whatever is necessary. When you’re done, put yourself in their shoes. Sit in the chair and try your best to authentically answer the questions you posed to him/her. As you begin seeing things from their perspective, you might find it easier to forgive them.

At times forgiveness will seem costly. It is. But as one who’s been there (and one who continues to struggle in this area), it’s worth it. C’mon girlfriends, let’s claim the abundant peace offered to us.