Kindness of the Worst Kind

I’m feeling rather cantankerous today. (Don’t you just LOVE that word? Even when in the middle of it, simply saying "cantankerous" makes me feel better.)

Ok. Back to my cantankerous-ness. I looked it up using my handy "synonym finder" and this is what it says: irritable, cranky, argumentative, difficult, and unreasonable.

Yep. That just about sums it up. The reason for my unreasonableness is simple: God has asked me to do something I don’t want to do. And the internal tension in my chest feels like Mount St. Helens about five minutes before she blew.

Here’s the deal. I’ve been hurt by someone I love. Someone I’ve known for a length of time and have shared a lot of life with. And the hurt is so real, so deep that it feels utterly inexcusable. When I first wake up in the morning, I temporarily forget. Then, a cloud of reality descends on my waking consciousness and I feel the hurt all over again. My heart aches.

I know all about the forgiveness verses. There are PLENTY of them. I realize I must forgive.  My own forgiveness (not to mention my sanity) depends on it. Still, I don’t have to play nice anymore, do I? That’s where my cantankerousness comes in. God is asking me to offer real kindness–from the heart–as a remedy for my hurt. This doesn’t feel the least bit fair and I’m tempted to protest like a toddler: "But I don’t WANNA!!!!!"

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9

Ugh. Blessing, huh? (Sigh)

This too shall pass. I am pretty sure my relationship will be rekindled and life will go on, simply because similar scenarios have played out multiple times throughout my life. Why? Because long ago I made the choice to live in relationships, and relationships are messy. VERY messy. Feelings get hurt, which causes an emotional reaction. Emotional reactions typically further the hurt cycle, compounding injury upon injury. It is a vicious circle of pain which can only end with someone deciding–yes, making a CHOICE of the will–to no longer participate in the hurt-and-be-hurt cycle. The remedy? At least this time, it is what I believe God is calling me to–a simple, sincere act of undeserved kindness.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice and cantankerousness (okay, I added this last part, but it seems to fit, don’t you think?). Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

This isn’t easily done, and I am not so naive to assume it will end like a fairy tale or topped with a nice red bow. However, I know for a fact I have hurt other people too many times to count, and have been forgiven of MUCH–even today. And though I’m feeling a little toddler-ish at the moment, the truth is I would rather live drowning in abundant kindness than take a chance at missing out on a God-sized blessing.